Day 15: 9/7/15

No classes today since it was Labor Day.  I had to work that night and mom was having a cookout so she picked connor up early.  Before I started on homework for the day, Colby and I went to lunch at Los Pos.  Colby was still fighting allergies so it was nice that he came out and had lunch with me.

We were talking about tattoos and I was discussing maybe getting my head tattoo next year after my hair is long enough to do the side shave.  He actually told me he didn't want to do it, because it was a "job buster."  That really got me.  Of all the people, I would never have thought he would say that to me.  With the way I've been feeling lately, I just pretty much almost lost it in the restaurant.  I couldn't even breath or speak just trying to hold myself together.

We came home and I just sat there and tried to figure out a way to speak.  It's hard for me to talk about the way I'm feeling about this situation because I feel like no one can actually understand the way I'm feeling and especially because I don't usually feel better after talking about it.  I feel like it's hard for people to understand how much I'm hurting and how physically painful it is to feel the way I feel.

I am interested in and would love to do research and work in my field, but unfortunately, I also love having piercings and tattoos.  I want to be my own person and let who I am just be out there.  Somehow I got stuck as someone who is not an artsy person.  My talent does not fall into that category, I got stuck with a business/science brain and an artsy personality.  I have to sit and worry about either working at Hot Topic the rest of my life, or giving up on my personality and my outward appearance.
I literally feel trapped in a mind/body that does not go together.  I feel like I've failed before I even begin, I feel like there is no solution, I have no idea what to do.

I am beyond stressed about school already, and with no assurance that I can even succeed in this field with the type of person I am, it adds more stress and less incentive to do well.  I am having a quarter life crisis.  except it is actually a crisis.  I am admitting to myself that I have a huge problem here.  I'm depressed, I'm anxious, I want to cry all the time and just stay in bed all day.  I don't want to be me, and I don't want to have to deal with life at this point.  I really don't.  It is a difficult day everyday and I don't feel like it will be better.  I am 29 years old and i'm still struggling.  And I feel like the struggle will never end.  I don't want to be fighting this fight my whole life, even another few years seems impossible.

I spent the next hour just crying in bed, because I didn't feel any better.  I feel like because other people have felt that way and everything came out ok for them, they just think it will for me and they tell me to suck it up and just do what I can and it will all work out.  Except that I've had to fight tooth and nail for the past 11 years of my life with hardly any help, while other people have had resources and help that I never got.  I'm not bitter about it, but it's irritating to hear people who haven't been in my shoes or known my struggle to think that they can tell me how I feel or how my life will be.

Anyway, I went to work, we were busy and I just wanted to go home.  I finally got to go home, hung out with the dogs and went to bed.

Day 14: 9/6/15

Today was a pretty good day.  Connor didn't have a game so we just took out time and were kind of lazy throughout the day.  We got up and around and went to Mattoon to have breakfast at our favorite place, Downtown Diner.  Unfortunately, the air conditioning was broken and we were literally about to get sick and could not enjoy our food at all because it was so hot.  I felt super sick but kept going.

After breakfast, we went to Wal Mart to get food to cook out.  When we got back, I started on homework and the boys set up to start playing pokemon.  We cooked out and had dinner together, then we went back to pokemon and homework for me.

That was pretty much the end of week 2, closing out another stressful week of grad school.
Weight: 118lbs

Day 13: 9/5/15

So I got up and was super tired still.  Went to get Connor from my mom and we were all suffering from allergies so I gave all 3 of us an allergy pill.  Well, Connor was totally fine, but Colby and I weren't.  I was so flipping drugged up it was awful. I thought I was going to fall asleep driving to Wal Mart.  I colored my hair and curled it and started getting ready.  Of course my hair would not cooperate, and with as exhausted as I was, I was basically throwing a fit and almost crying over it.  So we went to the wedding and it was quite……redneck.  But to each their own I suppose.  I was still pretty tired when we got to the reception around 3-3:30.  Everyone was drinking and I decided that was probably not a good idea at that moment.  In fact Colby started feeling really awful again and I was like…duh, the alcohol.  Finally around 7 I decided that I had had enough of listening to country without having a drink so I grabbed a whiskey.  We stuck around, chatted, drank, played bags, I danced with some little kids and then a lot of people decided they would go to the country club for more drinks.  Even though i was exhausted, i wanted Colby to be able to spend time with his family so i endured more awake time.  The club was closed so we went to a little dive bar at the end of town and hung out for a while.  We left around 12:30 or so and headed home.  It was soooooo time for bed, and that was the end of that.

Day 12: 9/4/15

So, I kind of gave you a run down of my morning from yesterday.  So I was in a super bad mood until going to class.  I had been anxious about running through my program for my new start and I just could not get myself together because of all of the lack of sleep and stress from the week.  I made it through everything just fine.  Of course, because we have an extended weekend, I was slammed with more homework and basically stressed again.  I was still livid about how rude it was that people came into my house after a night of binge drinking and couldn't even be polite enough to be quiet, or at least stay outside if they were going to be loud, knowing that I had to be up for class in an hour.  But, since I'm an awesome person and I like to be a good host, I spent my entire hour break from class cooking a bunch of breakfast for Colby and his friend.  

I made it through classes and stopped by the shop to say hi, picked up connor, took my car to get the oil changed and then came home for about a couple hours.  I went to work that night, where were got super slammed and I got out of work about an hour after i was scheduled, but I made money, so that's what's important.  

I came home and got ready to go do something, hoping that they wouldn't be so tired that they completely wouldn't want to do anything.  That would have really made me angry especially considering the circumstances of their adventures the night before.  But they got back and were ready to eat and do something.  I waited for them to go eat and then we went to Karaoke at the Brickhouse where my buddy Jimmy is every friday.  We had fun hanging out and I did karaoke.  We decided to hit up stix around midnight and ran into some more friends there.  By about 1 we were ready to leave though.  We finally got home and talked for a while and then went to sleep.  Thank goodness!  But I had to get up early to go get Connor and get ready for a wedding anyway so : (

Day 11: 9/3/15

So today was another day of being tired.  I had planned on going to 8am yoga since I take connor to the bus about 7:30, but I was so tired that I just came home and tried to sleep more. I slept a little more and then got up to clean the house and do homework.  We were having a guest for a couple of days so I wanted to make sure the house wasn't a disaster.  I cleaned for like ever, went to class, and came home and finished cleaning and started on homework.

I got my electronic homework done, and took my physical homework with me to conner's baseball practice, where I got so consumed with reading that I missed the cupholder of my chair and dropped my phone on the ground.  Now I've dropped my phone many times before, and phones before those, and never in my life have I cracked a screen.  But wouldn't you know it, with my string of luck lately, it is shattered.  Luckily the screen "protector" is sticky and is holding it together.  I was doing my best not to start crying right there.  $85 for someone I know to fix the screen, $150 deductible to fix it through my insurance, and I can upgrade in 3 months…..so screw that.  I'm just downgrading back to a 4s until I can upgrade.  Needless to say, it was a horrible day.  I worked on homework until about 9:30pm.

Colby's friend arrived from TN and we all talked and hung out for a bit, finally by 11 I was like, I must go to bed. Another one of his friends showed up and I assumed that they were on the porch hanging out most of the night.  I was pretty restless and only got a couple hours of sleep at best, then to make it all even better, they had went to the bar and gotten trashed and came home to make a bunch of noise around 3:30.  Finally by 4am, I was so pissed off and could hear 2 of them giggling in the kitchen that I just got up for the day.  I was so livid I literally wanted to kick them out of my house.  I understand wanting to hang out with your friends and have fun, but that was downright disrespectful.  anyway, I'm kind of running into Friday here, but whatever.  That was my shittastic day.

also, I forgot to take a picture because I was busy.

Day 10: 9/2/15

Just another day where I wake up at 5am.  I spent my night being so anxious I could barely sleep.  I had to do exercise testing with my new start today so I was very nervous.  I am hoping that the exercises I chose will be of use to him since he is older, I wanted to give him exercises that will mimic daily movements and hopefully help him with balance as well.  Everything went pretty smoothly.  Although I had a really hard time not saying something to the idiots that were next to us while we were stretching.  One of the guys was trying to show the other guy how to do a kettle bell swing, except he was showing him completely wrong. He was bending all the way over and then coming all the way back while he swung.  Basically, those idiots are going to through their back out.  I always hate when I see that stuff because I want to help so that they don't get injured, but I also don't want to seem like a dick.  So since I was still with my client, I didn't intervene.

I went to 8am yoga that morning for the first time of the semester(my goal is to go tuesday, wednesday, and thursday), It felt good to be back in a yoga class.  I really enjoyed it.
As you can tell by the picture, I went and got starbucks too, it was delish.

I got super completely overloaded with homework today, I was so overwhelmed and just exhausted.  I didn't have much time to do anything.  I did decide that I needed to take a small nap though, so I took a nap for about an hour before my last class.  Came home and went to work.  Worked until about 7:45ish and came home and started on homework.  I went to bed about 10:30ish.  Nothing really more to report.

Day 9: 9/1/15

I was sooooo tired today.  I came home from taking connor to school and immediately laid back down. I got up for class and suffered through that.  I met with my Graduate advisor to discuss my school plan and felt a lot better afterward. Knowing that I am getting to split my Thesis into spring and summer makes it seem a little more doable.

I got connor from school and then headed to work.  I had to stay a little later than scheduled again, but not as late as the night before.  I had most of my homework done but worked on some more.  Tuesdays are Ink Master night, so i was super excited to spend time with Colby and watch our show.  Unfortunately, he had a late tattoo and missed most of the show.  After that I got my stuff together for the next morning and went to bed.