We were talking about tattoos and I was discussing maybe getting my head tattoo next year after my hair is long enough to do the side shave. He actually told me he didn't want to do it, because it was a "job buster." That really got me. Of all the people, I would never have thought he would say that to me. With the way I've been feeling lately, I just pretty much almost lost it in the restaurant. I couldn't even breath or speak just trying to hold myself together.
We came home and I just sat there and tried to figure out a way to speak. It's hard for me to talk about the way I'm feeling about this situation because I feel like no one can actually understand the way I'm feeling and especially because I don't usually feel better after talking about it. I feel like it's hard for people to understand how much I'm hurting and how physically painful it is to feel the way I feel.
I am interested in and would love to do research and work in my field, but unfortunately, I also love having piercings and tattoos. I want to be my own person and let who I am just be out there. Somehow I got stuck as someone who is not an artsy person. My talent does not fall into that category, I got stuck with a business/science brain and an artsy personality. I have to sit and worry about either working at Hot Topic the rest of my life, or giving up on my personality and my outward appearance.
I literally feel trapped in a mind/body that does not go together. I feel like I've failed before I even begin, I feel like there is no solution, I have no idea what to do.
I am beyond stressed about school already, and with no assurance that I can even succeed in this field with the type of person I am, it adds more stress and less incentive to do well. I am having a quarter life crisis. except it is actually a crisis. I am admitting to myself that I have a huge problem here. I'm depressed, I'm anxious, I want to cry all the time and just stay in bed all day. I don't want to be me, and I don't want to have to deal with life at this point. I really don't. It is a difficult day everyday and I don't feel like it will be better. I am 29 years old and i'm still struggling. And I feel like the struggle will never end. I don't want to be fighting this fight my whole life, even another few years seems impossible.
I spent the next hour just crying in bed, because I didn't feel any better. I feel like because other people have felt that way and everything came out ok for them, they just think it will for me and they tell me to suck it up and just do what I can and it will all work out. Except that I've had to fight tooth and nail for the past 11 years of my life with hardly any help, while other people have had resources and help that I never got. I'm not bitter about it, but it's irritating to hear people who haven't been in my shoes or known my struggle to think that they can tell me how I feel or how my life will be.
Anyway, I went to work, we were busy and I just wanted to go home. I finally got to go home, hung out with the dogs and went to bed.
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