I start my masters program at EIU tomorrow morning, bright and early at 5:15am. I have classes pretty much through the day until 4:15, when I will run home, change, and head to work for the evening. To say that I'm stressed out is an understatement. While I have wanted to get my doctorate for a while now, I feel more and more like I'm pretty unsure about my plan. My brain and body is just tired. I'm in my 29th year of trying to get on a track with my life that will make me content, although sometimes I feel like I'm chasing my tail. I worry that my field is too professional to accept the "don't give a fuck" mentality. I enjoy having piercings and tattoos, and if I want to have fun hair, then I go for it. Unfortunately, some people have a giant stick up their ass and don't think a person is capable of being fun and also hard working and intelligent. My goal is to prove those assholes wrong. It's a really tough battle and I know a lot of people won't change their perspective, but I'm going to try. Another issue I'm facing at the moment is just plain a lack of positivity. I came home to shithole, Illinois without wanting to. I came home because EIU was like $10,000/semester cheaper than IUPUI, and also my son's father will not let him move out of the state at this moment. So with a super shitty and depressed attitude, I moved home. I left Indianapolis, a place I really enjoyed and grew to love more than I ever thought I would. I left what actually felt like home. It was a horrible feeling, and honestly, even though I've been in Charleston for 2 months now, I still feel like Indy is home, and I miss it. It helps that my boyfriend was offered a great job over here and moved back too, but it's still hard. My boyfriend comes home with a smile on his face and loves his job, loves being home around his friends, and I'm a giant cranky B, because I hate my job, this stupid town, most of my friends have moved away, and I'm so tired of putting so much effort into everything with what seems like no reward. Trust me, I know it's an "instant gratification" world now, but having at least one thing work out at this point would be the furthest thing from instant. Like a plant that blooms once every friggin 50 years or something, good lord, who has that much patience?!
So I guess I'm not really going into this program with the best attitude, but I'm trying. I'm trying to breath and clear my head and stay calm and collected. Fighting one battle at a time instead of worrying about everything at once(which is what I do best). I strive to be the best, which is probably what drives me to insanity some days. So in 11 hours, I'll be in the middle of my first class for my masters. It's going to be an interesting ride, and hopefully this blog will be some way to keep some of my sanity, and maybe it'll get me through this year. We'll see. So I just finished printing most of my first day paperwork to get somewhat organized for classes, I'm ready for bed already, but the new walking dead spinoff starts tonight, so hopefully I can make it through that at least.
8/23/15
Chelsea Duncan
Age: 29
Weight: 121 lbs
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