Day 15: 9/7/15

No classes today since it was Labor Day.  I had to work that night and mom was having a cookout so she picked connor up early.  Before I started on homework for the day, Colby and I went to lunch at Los Pos.  Colby was still fighting allergies so it was nice that he came out and had lunch with me.

We were talking about tattoos and I was discussing maybe getting my head tattoo next year after my hair is long enough to do the side shave.  He actually told me he didn't want to do it, because it was a "job buster."  That really got me.  Of all the people, I would never have thought he would say that to me.  With the way I've been feeling lately, I just pretty much almost lost it in the restaurant.  I couldn't even breath or speak just trying to hold myself together.

We came home and I just sat there and tried to figure out a way to speak.  It's hard for me to talk about the way I'm feeling about this situation because I feel like no one can actually understand the way I'm feeling and especially because I don't usually feel better after talking about it.  I feel like it's hard for people to understand how much I'm hurting and how physically painful it is to feel the way I feel.

I am interested in and would love to do research and work in my field, but unfortunately, I also love having piercings and tattoos.  I want to be my own person and let who I am just be out there.  Somehow I got stuck as someone who is not an artsy person.  My talent does not fall into that category, I got stuck with a business/science brain and an artsy personality.  I have to sit and worry about either working at Hot Topic the rest of my life, or giving up on my personality and my outward appearance.
I literally feel trapped in a mind/body that does not go together.  I feel like I've failed before I even begin, I feel like there is no solution, I have no idea what to do.

I am beyond stressed about school already, and with no assurance that I can even succeed in this field with the type of person I am, it adds more stress and less incentive to do well.  I am having a quarter life crisis.  except it is actually a crisis.  I am admitting to myself that I have a huge problem here.  I'm depressed, I'm anxious, I want to cry all the time and just stay in bed all day.  I don't want to be me, and I don't want to have to deal with life at this point.  I really don't.  It is a difficult day everyday and I don't feel like it will be better.  I am 29 years old and i'm still struggling.  And I feel like the struggle will never end.  I don't want to be fighting this fight my whole life, even another few years seems impossible.

I spent the next hour just crying in bed, because I didn't feel any better.  I feel like because other people have felt that way and everything came out ok for them, they just think it will for me and they tell me to suck it up and just do what I can and it will all work out.  Except that I've had to fight tooth and nail for the past 11 years of my life with hardly any help, while other people have had resources and help that I never got.  I'm not bitter about it, but it's irritating to hear people who haven't been in my shoes or known my struggle to think that they can tell me how I feel or how my life will be.

Anyway, I went to work, we were busy and I just wanted to go home.  I finally got to go home, hung out with the dogs and went to bed.

Day 14: 9/6/15

Today was a pretty good day.  Connor didn't have a game so we just took out time and were kind of lazy throughout the day.  We got up and around and went to Mattoon to have breakfast at our favorite place, Downtown Diner.  Unfortunately, the air conditioning was broken and we were literally about to get sick and could not enjoy our food at all because it was so hot.  I felt super sick but kept going.

After breakfast, we went to Wal Mart to get food to cook out.  When we got back, I started on homework and the boys set up to start playing pokemon.  We cooked out and had dinner together, then we went back to pokemon and homework for me.

That was pretty much the end of week 2, closing out another stressful week of grad school.
Weight: 118lbs

Day 13: 9/5/15

So I got up and was super tired still.  Went to get Connor from my mom and we were all suffering from allergies so I gave all 3 of us an allergy pill.  Well, Connor was totally fine, but Colby and I weren't.  I was so flipping drugged up it was awful. I thought I was going to fall asleep driving to Wal Mart.  I colored my hair and curled it and started getting ready.  Of course my hair would not cooperate, and with as exhausted as I was, I was basically throwing a fit and almost crying over it.  So we went to the wedding and it was quite……redneck.  But to each their own I suppose.  I was still pretty tired when we got to the reception around 3-3:30.  Everyone was drinking and I decided that was probably not a good idea at that moment.  In fact Colby started feeling really awful again and I was like…duh, the alcohol.  Finally around 7 I decided that I had had enough of listening to country without having a drink so I grabbed a whiskey.  We stuck around, chatted, drank, played bags, I danced with some little kids and then a lot of people decided they would go to the country club for more drinks.  Even though i was exhausted, i wanted Colby to be able to spend time with his family so i endured more awake time.  The club was closed so we went to a little dive bar at the end of town and hung out for a while.  We left around 12:30 or so and headed home.  It was soooooo time for bed, and that was the end of that.

Day 12: 9/4/15

So, I kind of gave you a run down of my morning from yesterday.  So I was in a super bad mood until going to class.  I had been anxious about running through my program for my new start and I just could not get myself together because of all of the lack of sleep and stress from the week.  I made it through everything just fine.  Of course, because we have an extended weekend, I was slammed with more homework and basically stressed again.  I was still livid about how rude it was that people came into my house after a night of binge drinking and couldn't even be polite enough to be quiet, or at least stay outside if they were going to be loud, knowing that I had to be up for class in an hour.  But, since I'm an awesome person and I like to be a good host, I spent my entire hour break from class cooking a bunch of breakfast for Colby and his friend.  

I made it through classes and stopped by the shop to say hi, picked up connor, took my car to get the oil changed and then came home for about a couple hours.  I went to work that night, where were got super slammed and I got out of work about an hour after i was scheduled, but I made money, so that's what's important.  

I came home and got ready to go do something, hoping that they wouldn't be so tired that they completely wouldn't want to do anything.  That would have really made me angry especially considering the circumstances of their adventures the night before.  But they got back and were ready to eat and do something.  I waited for them to go eat and then we went to Karaoke at the Brickhouse where my buddy Jimmy is every friday.  We had fun hanging out and I did karaoke.  We decided to hit up stix around midnight and ran into some more friends there.  By about 1 we were ready to leave though.  We finally got home and talked for a while and then went to sleep.  Thank goodness!  But I had to get up early to go get Connor and get ready for a wedding anyway so : (

Day 11: 9/3/15

So today was another day of being tired.  I had planned on going to 8am yoga since I take connor to the bus about 7:30, but I was so tired that I just came home and tried to sleep more. I slept a little more and then got up to clean the house and do homework.  We were having a guest for a couple of days so I wanted to make sure the house wasn't a disaster.  I cleaned for like ever, went to class, and came home and finished cleaning and started on homework.

I got my electronic homework done, and took my physical homework with me to conner's baseball practice, where I got so consumed with reading that I missed the cupholder of my chair and dropped my phone on the ground.  Now I've dropped my phone many times before, and phones before those, and never in my life have I cracked a screen.  But wouldn't you know it, with my string of luck lately, it is shattered.  Luckily the screen "protector" is sticky and is holding it together.  I was doing my best not to start crying right there.  $85 for someone I know to fix the screen, $150 deductible to fix it through my insurance, and I can upgrade in 3 months…..so screw that.  I'm just downgrading back to a 4s until I can upgrade.  Needless to say, it was a horrible day.  I worked on homework until about 9:30pm.

Colby's friend arrived from TN and we all talked and hung out for a bit, finally by 11 I was like, I must go to bed. Another one of his friends showed up and I assumed that they were on the porch hanging out most of the night.  I was pretty restless and only got a couple hours of sleep at best, then to make it all even better, they had went to the bar and gotten trashed and came home to make a bunch of noise around 3:30.  Finally by 4am, I was so pissed off and could hear 2 of them giggling in the kitchen that I just got up for the day.  I was so livid I literally wanted to kick them out of my house.  I understand wanting to hang out with your friends and have fun, but that was downright disrespectful.  anyway, I'm kind of running into Friday here, but whatever.  That was my shittastic day.

also, I forgot to take a picture because I was busy.

Day 10: 9/2/15

Just another day where I wake up at 5am.  I spent my night being so anxious I could barely sleep.  I had to do exercise testing with my new start today so I was very nervous.  I am hoping that the exercises I chose will be of use to him since he is older, I wanted to give him exercises that will mimic daily movements and hopefully help him with balance as well.  Everything went pretty smoothly.  Although I had a really hard time not saying something to the idiots that were next to us while we were stretching.  One of the guys was trying to show the other guy how to do a kettle bell swing, except he was showing him completely wrong. He was bending all the way over and then coming all the way back while he swung.  Basically, those idiots are going to through their back out.  I always hate when I see that stuff because I want to help so that they don't get injured, but I also don't want to seem like a dick.  So since I was still with my client, I didn't intervene.

I went to 8am yoga that morning for the first time of the semester(my goal is to go tuesday, wednesday, and thursday), It felt good to be back in a yoga class.  I really enjoyed it.
As you can tell by the picture, I went and got starbucks too, it was delish.

I got super completely overloaded with homework today, I was so overwhelmed and just exhausted.  I didn't have much time to do anything.  I did decide that I needed to take a small nap though, so I took a nap for about an hour before my last class.  Came home and went to work.  Worked until about 7:45ish and came home and started on homework.  I went to bed about 10:30ish.  Nothing really more to report.

Day 9: 9/1/15

I was sooooo tired today.  I came home from taking connor to school and immediately laid back down. I got up for class and suffered through that.  I met with my Graduate advisor to discuss my school plan and felt a lot better afterward. Knowing that I am getting to split my Thesis into spring and summer makes it seem a little more doable.

I got connor from school and then headed to work.  I had to stay a little later than scheduled again, but not as late as the night before.  I had most of my homework done but worked on some more.  Tuesdays are Ink Master night, so i was super excited to spend time with Colby and watch our show.  Unfortunately, he had a late tattoo and missed most of the show.  After that I got my stuff together for the next morning and went to bed.

Day 8: 8/31/15

Today was pretty tiring, I didn't sleep well, and 4:30 comes very quickly.  I met my new start and had the first day with him.  It wasn't too difficult, he's was already familiar with the rec center so that was nice.  He was a very friendly dude, so that makes it a lot better.  I made it through the rest of my classes and went to work.  

I was working with a transfer at work, so at least she wasn't completely new, but she still wasn't a strong server, so I ended up having to stay later because we kept having little spurts of being busy.  I got home to chill for a bit and eventually went to bed.  Just another boring day.

Day 6 & 7: 8/29-8/30

Saturday was pretty much just working all day.  I got home at around 10 and then just spend the evening hanging out with Colby.

Sunday was a morning of continuous pushing back of the time we were going to start working on my tattoo.  We didn't end up starting until about 11:30ish.  We had to stop around 1 for conner's baseball game.  We only got the hood on Medusa done, but at least something got done.  It was hot as hell at the ballgame, but Connor's team won.

Later that evening Colby and I finally got to go to dinner together, which was effectively ruined with a lady completely scraped up the side of Colby's car with her truck pulling into the parking spot next to him.  It was so stupid.  She said she didn't realize that he was parked kind of crooked, which was hilarious because he was barely a little crooked and was closer to the parking spot on the OTHER side.  I can't imagine the damage she would've done if he was parked perfectly!  Anyway, we ended the evening with Fear the Walking Dead and then I called it a night.  No pictures today.  But my end weight for the week was exactly where I started.  121lbs.

Day 5: 8/27/15

So it's Friday. Hallelujah.  Third 5am for the week, and I'm exhausted.  I was told that I had a new start on Monday toward the end of the class, so I got about 10 minutes to review their file so I could start to prepare a few things for Monday's class.  Awesome, extra stuff to do over the weekend : /

We went over some things in my Research Methods class, and then I met with my professor to discuss the research project/my thesis.  He assured me that I would feel better after Monday's class, which would have more information on searching topics and such.  He said it was good that I was at least really thinking about a topic.  So I felt a little better, but not a whole lot.

My 11am was as boring as ever, many of the graduate faculty are pretty dry and could make you fall asleep pretty quickly, especially if you've been up since 4:30am.  Luckily, this was my last class for the day.  So I ran my errands, did some homework and picked Connor up.

Connor went to his Dad's for the weekend, so after he left around 4:30, I took a nap until about 6.  Watched some TV and did some homework.  Went for a motorcycle ride with one of my friends from Undergrad and then chilled until Colby got home.  We met up with some friends and watched a horrible band that made my head explode so we went outside.  The majority of the night was people talking about work, which drives me insane.  Came home and went to bed dreading my split the next day, but at least it didn't start at 5am.

Day 4: 8/27/15

Soooo, it was a rough morning after yesterday, as is apparent from my picture today. I felt quite defeated and just wanted to give up and lay in bed all day.  I took connor to the bus and then went back to bed until about 11:30.  I got up and around and went to class.  Class was long and my teacher likes to say uuuuhhhhh all the time.  He skips around and it's kind of hard to follow sometimes, but I'm thinking to myself, well at least it's mostly coursework and not a ton of huge projects like all of my other classes.

I stopped by my mom's office to talk to her for a minute and ended up talking with EIU women's basketball coach.  She was very nice and reassuring and reminded me just to take everything one thing at a time and I will be just fine.

I came home and started on my homework for tomorrow.  I took connor to his baseball practice and ran by my sister's to see my niece and chatted for a bit before I came home and finished up some homework.  I'm doing my best to just go one day at a time.  It works sometimes and others I start freaking out again.

I was feeling better today, just trying to reassure myself that I can do all of this.  It's not going to be easy, but I can do it.  I meet with one of my professors tomorrow to discuss some research ideas and hopefully get a better direction for my research paper.  That's pretty much it for today. Another 5am tomorrow, but at least I don't have my 3pm class, so I'll be done by noon.

Day 3: 8/26/15

So today was just a super weird and exhausting day.  Many of the participants in the adult fitness program were not walking as much, so it was difficult to feel like I was doing much in class.  I will walk by and say hello while they are at machines and such, but it seems to be aggravating and distracting to try to have a conversation with them while they are trying to lift weights.  At least, that's how I feel if someone tries to do that to me.  We had our first classroom meeting for that class and it basically went over all of the things we will have to do over the semester(aka, so much shit there isn't enough time).

After class I walked over to the coffee shop on campus and grabbed some coffee and started reading some for my next class.  I went to class, which was simply everyone going around and showing off the few things they brought into class that were items they felt were important to their daily lives and discussing how research effected those items.

My exercise testing class was just reviewing exercise physiology concepts, which was interesting because I found out that there are at least 4 people in that class who did not get their undergrad degree in Exercise Science.  One was in education..ok, 2 were in administration….that's weird, and one had her bachelors in MUSIC…..MUSIC…..WTF.  The administration and music majors had never had a kinesiology or exercise physiology class before, and they were wanting to go into recreation administration.  Why wouldn't you be in Sports Administration? And how the hell were you accepted into this program????  Good Lord, I would not want to be them taking graduate classes in this major.

I came home and did some more homework and then headed off to my last class of the day.  We spent most of it in groups doing the assignment that went along with the research study we were reading.  I already had it done so it was slightly boring.

I attended my graduate student meeting at 5, which went over a lot of different things, most of which could have been sent out in a memo instead of wasting my time.  I basically found out that, while my program is only a year long, there's a large possibility that it will take longer unless I want to kill myself.  I basically have a crapload of things to get done this semester and I was so overwhelmed already.

It was a rough day, and I bake when I'm stressed…let's just say there were about 4 dozen cookies after I finally started dinner at 7.  Luckily, wine was on sale at County Market too.  I tried to relax and just enjoy the rest of my night and destress.  Colby and I watched Face Off since he had never seen it.  I love Nicolas Cage, especially back in the day.  So after all of that, I called it a night and went to bed, praying for a better tomorrow.

Day 2: 8/25/15

Day 2,

While I tried to make my classes somewhat even, one of my classes ended up having the days and time changed. So I now have a 3-4:15 MW class(meaning I have to pay for a half day of daycare for my son for like 5 minutes of actual care), instead of a 9am on TR.  Not that I'm complaining I only have one afternoon class on TR, but it definitely makes for a long day on MW when I have class starting at 5:15am.

So I got up and took Connor to the bus this morning and then proceeded to come home and nap for a couple hours.  I got up with Colby and made him(and the other people at the shop) some blueberry muffins.  They got a little overdone because Norma takes forever to go to the bathroom...what a bitch.  Anyway, I proceeded to watch a little TV and paint my toenails, since they were "gross and white, and I'm a girl" or at least, that's how Connor put it this morning when he asked what was wrong with my feet.  Kids...lol. So I proceeded to class, where my teacher used the long drawn out "uuuhhhhh" after every word.  It's like the Robin "but um" game but with "uhhhh" and you'd still never be able to catch up with drinks.  So uhhhhhhh after that annoyance, I did a little upper body workout and proceeded to run home and then pick connor up from school.

I ran to Mattoon to the beauty supply store, because they are only open until 5...boo.  Went to walmart and got stuff for supper and snacks and then headed home so that Connor and I could do our homework.  Connor got his homework done and I slowly worked on mine.  I made supper, took connor to baseball practice and then worked on my chapter readings during commercial breaks from Ink Masters.  While I wish that show had less stupid scripted drama, I still like watching it.

All in all, not a terrible day. I got to spend some time at home with Colby for a bit and Connor in the afternoon.  Homework is already feeling like a chore and bogging me down, but honestly, what isn't right now?  Trying to keep climbing this hill, hoping that something good is at the top.  All I know is I see a lot of people, mainly Colby, right now.  He's so happy and in return he just puts out a great attitude and seems to actually be where he wants right now, which is crazy because we are in Charleston, Illinois.  A place we fought so hard to get out of.  But he's content and happy, and I'm not.  At least not in certain areas of my life, other areas are fine.  I just want to get to a happy place, where I feel happy on at least a weekly basis, daily may be a stretch sometimes, but you get it.  I still miss Indy, I miss being there, I miss my friends, I just miss the feeling of achievement that came with getting out of this town.  Oh well, tomorrow is another 5am day so I'm out.

Day 1-8/24/15

From the moment I heard my coffee pot kick on a minute before my alarm went off, I was dreading getting up.  I hit snooze once and then got up at 4:39.  I brushed my teeth, changed my clothes, put my makeup on and pulled my hair up.  I drank my cup of coffee and headed out the door at 5am.  It was still dark and chilly out.  I drove over to the gym and met up where we needed to be for my first class.  There were a couple of students in my class that were in my undergrad, I said hi and of course, as most younger people were in my classes, they barely said hi and then avoided even speaking to me.  Well fuck you guys too.  So we made our rounds to all of the places where we may be supervising and then I headed over to the rec center.  I spent most of my time walking the track with one of the older ladies in the adult fitness program. She was very nice and was very willing to talk with me.

After that class, I went home to get connor and take him to the bus.  I then went home, and drank some more coffee and watched a little tv until my 9am class.  I rode my bicycle back over to class, and boy I am out of shape!  I was winded after like 2 blocks.  Anyway, I went to my 9am research methods class, which made me a little hopeful that I may make it through this semester and have a professor that would be able to help me with my interest in research.  I got a quick workout in before my 11 class, which was just as boring as I thought it would be. I went over to the bookstore and looked at some of the MacBooks they had since mine is on it's last leg.  After that I went home and tried to read some for my next class, boy did that put me to sleep!  I took about a 30 minute nap while Colby got some drawing in and then I headed off to my next class.  Advanced Biomechanics…woof!  While most classes had somewhere from 16-30 people in them, this class is pretty much one for a specific interest in research or biomechanics, there are only 7 of us in this class.

Once I got out of class at 4:15pm, I headed straight home to change and go straight to work at 4:30.  We were so dead, I didn't get a single table for an hour and a half.  I got off work a little early and picked connor up from my mom.  He and Colby got some time to play pokemon before it was time for bed, while I did dishes and laundry.  I sat down to do homework and was so flipping tired I could barely concentrate.  So here I am, finishing my blog of the day and getting ready to go to bed.

Pretty much, I'm exhausted and a bit overwhelmed but I'm doing my best.  I hopefully will be rested enough to concentrate and get stuff done tomorrow for my wednesday classes.

Day 0-Prep

So here's the general idea. I will be doing my best to blog every single day for the next year.  I will take a picture everyday and possibly keep updates on how I'm feeling and also my weight.

I start my masters program at EIU tomorrow morning, bright and early at 5:15am.  I have classes pretty much through the day until 4:15, when I will run home, change, and head to work for the evening.  To say that I'm stressed out is an understatement.  While I have wanted to get my doctorate for a while now, I feel more and more like I'm pretty unsure about my plan.  My brain and body is just tired.  I'm in my 29th year of trying to get on a track with my life that will make me content, although sometimes I feel like I'm chasing my tail.  I worry that my field is too professional to accept the "don't give a fuck" mentality.  I enjoy having piercings and tattoos, and if I want to have fun hair, then I go for it.  Unfortunately, some people have a giant stick up their ass and don't think a person is capable of being fun and also hard working and intelligent.  My goal is to prove those assholes wrong.  It's a really tough battle and I know a lot of people won't change their perspective, but I'm going to try.  Another issue I'm facing at the moment is just plain a lack of positivity.  I came home to shithole, Illinois without wanting to.  I came home because EIU was like $10,000/semester cheaper than IUPUI, and also my son's father will not let him move out of the state at this moment.  So with a super shitty and depressed attitude, I moved home.  I left Indianapolis, a place I really enjoyed and grew to love more than I ever thought I would.  I left what actually felt like home.  It was a horrible feeling, and honestly, even though I've been in Charleston for 2 months now, I still feel like Indy is home, and I miss it.  It helps that my boyfriend was offered a great job over here and moved back too, but it's still hard.  My boyfriend comes home with a smile on his face and loves his job, loves being home around his friends, and I'm a giant cranky B, because I hate my job, this stupid town, most of my friends have moved away, and I'm so tired of putting so much effort into everything with what seems like no reward.  Trust me, I know it's an "instant gratification" world now, but having at least one thing work out at this point would be the furthest thing from instant.  Like a plant that blooms once every friggin 50 years or something, good lord, who has that much patience?!

So I guess I'm not really going into this program with the best attitude, but I'm trying.  I'm trying to breath and clear my head and stay calm and collected.  Fighting one battle at a time instead of worrying about everything at once(which is what I do best).  I strive to be the best, which is probably what drives me to insanity some days.  So in 11 hours, I'll be in the middle of my first class for my masters.  It's going to be an interesting ride, and hopefully this blog will be some way to keep some of my sanity, and maybe it'll get me through this year.  We'll see. So I just finished printing most of my first day paperwork to get somewhat organized for classes, I'm ready for bed already, but the new walking dead spinoff starts tonight, so hopefully I can make it through that at least.

8/23/15
Chelsea Duncan
Age: 29
Weight: 121 lbs